TV Writer.Com Message Board

broseph4 · **Posted:** Tue Jul 20, 2010 5:23 pm

I'm looking for some feedback on an original half-hour comedy pilot. It has been through several drafts now, but I'd like for fresh eyes to see it. Specifically, I'm looking for feedback on a broader, story level -- What works? What's slow? What needs more more development? Things along those lines...

Speaking of lines, I would also appreciate feedback on this logline I wrote for the show:

Quote:

Well Off - "Pilot"

WELL OFF is a half-hour comedy about an upstart “youth consultancy” team that is led by the driven, but frantic, Steve Weller with the assistance of his younger, laid-back brother Andy. This team of young, inexperienced and seemingly incompatible co-workers struggle to find their feet as both a team and as people – dealing with various, unusual clients along the way.

I'm not too satisfied w/ that logline and know it can use improvement.

Any feedback is much appreciated. If you would like a copy of the script to review, I can PM it or email it to you, just respond in this thread.

Thanks.

-Joe

BarryInLA · **Posted:** Wed Jul 21, 2010 12:06 pm

bro -

I don't actually know what a "youth consultancy" ... explanation might help there.

The thing I'd work on the most is "...dealing with various, unusual clients along the way." I think that's too vague. It's kinda like saying, "we put this great character with that great character and chaos ensues." Of course chaos ensures, it's a sitcom. How? Why? If you leave it to their imagination how the chaos will ensue, then they might as well start from scratch and do it themselves. The goal in a pitch is to distinguish yourself from the other thousand (maybe literally) pitches coming in. Most of that is in the "how."

You may have a good show in there, and I hope so... but this log line doesn't bring it out yet.

FWIW = I pitched a FOX exec on a comedy maybe a year and half ago... market was even tighter for comedies then (he passed). He told me two things... firstly, he has to be able to visualize the marketing poster that goes with the pitch... secondly, the idea has to be so good and new that he wants to run down the hall and show it to his boss right away, or it's not going to move. Now that's all based on a pitch, not a log line... but it's got to be a first step in that direction.

broseph4 · **Posted:** Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:32 am

I really appreciate the feedback. I'm kind of all over the place when it comes to writing loglines and these may be no exception. Here are two new attempts:

Quote:

WELL OFF is a comedy about an upstart “youth consultancy” whose goal is to revitalize products, services, and businesses that have grown out-of-touch with the trendy youth. To do this, Steve Weller, the consultancy’s blindly over-passionate leader and “idea man,” compiles a team of trendy youth… who happen to be very young, inexperienced and focused on their own personal interests. Steve also hires his younger brother Andy, who, despite lacking his brother’s passion and drive, is quick thinking and smart enough to right the ship when Steve loses control. Between dealing with clients that range from racist to racy, a surprise visit from their clingy and mercurial mother, and trying to make the other employees a “team,” the brothers struggle to keep the consultancy above water.

and

Quote:

Contemporary Youth is a consultancy that provides a diverse and fresh perspective from the youth… at least that's the business model. Led by the blindly over-passionate Steve Weller, him and his quick-thinking brother, Andy, try and get the company on its feet during their first week of business. This proves increasingly difficult as a pitch meeting takes a turn for the worst, their mother shows up to the office in tears, the rest of the team seems incompatible with each other, Andy rekindles a relationship with an old friend and Steve reignites the flames of an old rivalry.

I appreciate any feedback. PM me if you would like a copy of the script to review.

broseph4 · **Posted:** Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:35 am

Sidebar: BarryInLA, I loved the pilot for "DOG"

BarryInLA · **Posted:** Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:39 am

Bro - those are looking better, but still not quite there.

The first is a little wordy - not necessarily too many words, but too little content for those words. "of trendy youth… who happen to be very young" Economy of expression is paramount.

The second is tighter, but a little over-specific. The mother turning up in tears seems part of the logline for an episode, not a series. Now certainly a pilot is an episode, but what you're trying to pitch is the core conflict in the show, not the events of the episode.

Thanks for the kinds words on Dog. I really enjoyed making it. Still trying to sell it... we'll see.

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